February 14

“BECOMING THE SCIENTIST OF MY RELATIONSHIP”

“ LOVE IS HEAVY AND LIGHT, BRIGHT and Dark, Hot and Cold, Sick and Healthy, asleep and awake-Its everything except What it is!” -William Shakespeare.

Sigmund Freud famously mused, “Everywhere I go in psychology, the poets have been before.”

AS DR. JENN MANN MARRIAGE & FAMILY THERAPIST indicates, “ To feel Seen, Heard, Understood, and Adored is magic to our hearts, mind, and Souls.” In her BOOK THE RELATIONSHIP FIX (Relationship Training Bible) she asserts that if you are on the verge of a divorce or breakup, in a great relationship but want to take it to the next level, or you are single and want to make sure your next relationship is better, then you are in the right place. Opening her book is like stepping into her office for a session to work on my relationship!

OUR BRAINS ARE WIRED FOR ROMANTIC RELATIONSHIPS. The Survival of our humanity depends upon it. Yet, a Romantic Relationship is a morass of misperceptions –partly because it’s not typical. Unlike some aspects of health and happiness, where we can get a better idea of social norms from observation, sexual relation tends to happen behind firmly closed doors. Consequently, we turn to ‘authoritative’ sources: playground or Locker room chat, old wives’ tales, dubious surveys, and Porn. Sex, Love, and Marriage a complicated history mused by Jennifer MacNabb Professor of History Early Modern Courtship and Sex.

One of my Coaching clients Back in England, Let’s say he is Mr. Smith (wants to remain anonymous). He came into coaching to improve his performance at work and this appear to have improved significantly after a few weeks in Coaching then he hit a wall and his relationship problem surfaced and wanted Clarity if he should marry this person. As I was not a licensed Marriage Counselor I referred him to Marriage Counselor, which he reluctantly agreed to. My word of Wisdom to him was that Marriage is the most important relationship and Investment he would make. As a result, he needs to be diligent and engage in Marriage Counseling before he leaps into Marriage Consciousness like most of us!

I am a fan of Science fiction and the last few years have been mythological epic in my own life particularly being on the frontline with colleagues like soldiers on the war front as a result my most important relationships have somewhat suffered. On reflection, I have been more intentional in the last year to be a scientist in my relationship with people that matters in my life notably my better half. I have fallen off the metaphorical Romantic Wagon from the Corniche because I am human, however, I would not let mistakes define me. Most of us are looking forward to St. Valentine’s Day to make our romantic relationship more voluptuous, which I find intriguing. Several Centenarian Studies have suggested that Healthy Relationship is a key component of Well-being and Longevity. Imagine being the best version of yourself on 4,000 weeks’ birthdays however you don’t have the most important relationships. That’s why am very passionate about Relationships, Well-being, and Longevity.

In his book 7 Highly Effective People Stephen R Covey Suggests the Philosophy of having the end in mind is a good strategy for having meaningful conversations and building relationships that last. “To Begin with the end in mind means to start with a clear understanding of your destination.” Furthermore, he says if you want to have a happy marriage, be the mind of the person who generates positive energy and sidesteps negative energy rather than empowering it. If you want to have a more pleasant, cooperative teenager, be a more understanding, empathic, consistent, and loving parent. If you want to have more freedom, and more latitude in your job, be a more responsible, more helpful, more contributing employee. If you want to be trusted, be trustworthy. If you want the secondary greatness of recognized talent, focus first on the primary greatness of character.

Strategically, I took part in my local Library Novel Mystery Date and got a mysterious and fascinating book on GOING DUTCH. Let me be honest, I was not looking for tips to brighten up my Romantic Life but like surprises to sharpen my Relationship Consciousness, is largely inchoate and instinctive! My Better half thinks that I could spend the whole day lost in the world of great genres of literature however in my defense would say “It takes two to tango!” If you have a Brain like most people you should be worried about the possibility of developing Dementia but of course, Cortisol Reduction Stress Management by being a good night dancer is equally important, right? Back to the Book, Going Dutch is an incisive portrait of relationships in an age of digital romantic abundance, but it’s also a heartfelt and humorous exploration of love and sexuality, as well as a poignant meditation on the things emotionally ravenous people seek from and do to each other. Like a novice, I pondered on this excerpt from the book…’Tonight, we’ll go to the library. Bring your notes. Bring whatever you have so far. We’ll figure it out.” Like a group of dancers clumped in a hot, loud room, searching for space, his thoughts lurched from stasis to glee and back again. He thought of an article he’d read about cows getting squeezed before they are slaughtered, that it calms them and preserves the meat. Increasingly unskillful and enthusiastic, they burrowed toward each other. Like an Incipient dancer with a beginner’s mindset, a flower growing from a heap of rocks and looking forward to Choreography dance on St. Valentine’s Day!

IN HIS BOOK LESSONS OF LIFELONG INTIMACY, “Whether you are Single, Newly Married, or an old-timer, Michael Gurian brings light to the complex and mysterious World of Love and Marriage. Like Sigmund Freud, he mused,” Everywhere I go in psychology, the poets have been before me.” The Complexity of Love is Obvious. On the surface, a reader of poetry, literature, and ancient wisdom comes to believe that being in Love and staying in love happens if we make sure we remain intimate. Unknown to lovers, is an equally secret to love Hidden in all our poetic history, as well as the much newer field of psychology, and this is a secret that can feel counter-intuitive until it is fully realized. Statistics around divorce are fascinating to read, for example, approximately one in two American marriages ends in divorce. The majority of people who go in through a divorce do not report increased relational happiness one year after their divorce. They have solved some problems by divorcing, but within one or two years they feel many problems unsolved, and they often feel a loss of love. While in slightly over 10 percent of cases of marital dissolution, there was significant addiction, abuse, mental illness, severe personality disorder, infidelity, and /or violence in the marriage, most divorces do not go involve significant danger to children, Spouse, or Self. Margaret Mead mused, “ I have been married and divorced three times and not one of them was a failure.” Interesting comment by an anthropologist, nothing is good or bad but thinking makes it so. Divorce is not itself a failure but looking at divorce gives a lantern we can shine into something missing in our relationships, marriages, and romance-oriented culture in the 21st Century. Contemporary Science shows us that on both sides of the attachment equation, what happens between parents and children also happens in Adult pair bonds. Foremost scientists have discovered that the reason Adult Pair-bonds mirror parent-child attachment lies in the complexity of the Brain (What do you think? Share your comments on the Website). In the next few days (particularly on St. Valentine’s day!), Look into your relational microscope. What emotional patterns do you see in collaboration in your relationships or marriage?

A Colleague Who is Marriage and Family Therapist suggested the Relationship Fix by Dr. Jenn Mann. Opening the book is like stepping into her office for a session to work on my relationship! …“Dialogue as the relational technology helps couples transform conflict into co-creation and replaces conflict resolution and mutual need gratification with connecting, Joy, and Wonder. Safe connecting interactions create “presence”, which is the panacea that meets all the needs of every Couple.”

Dr.Jenn’s 6-Step Guide to Improving Communication, Connection & Intimacy (When the student is ready the teacher appears!)

  1. Create a Connection
  2. Fight Fair
  3. Let the Negotiating Begin
  4. Work Through Your Childhood
  5. Forgive and Make Amends
  6. Ignite Your Sex Life

Harvard Psychiatrist John Ratey has written, “ The pro-social urge is the human beings’ instinct for ‘doing for’ others, ‘turning the other cheek’, pushing beyond personal limits to help family members, even sacrificing him or herself when necessary for the common good. The pro-social urge makes us human and combines with our reproductive biology and neurochemistry of bonding to commit us to a mate and our offspring.

The Wisdom I gleaned from preparing this Blog is that Healthy Communication is Critical. It is important to communicate authentically with this goal in mind to benefit the relationship. Come from a perspective of Trust that your partner is not intending to hurt you with their actions or words. Be willing to be wrong. Be willing to listen and see things from his or her point of view. Love is a Lifelong of daily choices. It has no clear destination except…LOVE. A Partner, Lover, or Spouse is a helpmate, not a doctor, therapist, priest, or JUGDE!

ARE YOU curious about how you stack up? I have limited offers Free Coaching Consultation and the Mastermind program on my website
(http://www.niranojomomdservices.com). We are all part of a growing community, right? You’ll have to submit your e-mail address, but we’ll only include you on our mailing list if you ask us to!

FOOTNOTES:

  1. 7 HABITS OF HIGHLY EFFECTIVE PEOPLE, STEPHEN R COVEY
  2. LESSONS OF LIFELONG INTIMACY, MICHEAL GURAIN
  3. GOING DUTCH, JAMES GREGOR
  4. THE PERILS OF PERCEPTION, BOBBY DUFFY
  5. THE RELATIONSHIP FIX, JENNS MANN
  6. Mastermind Group-to register- https://www.niranojomomdservices.com
  7. LIMITED FREE COACHING CONSULTATION go to https://www.niranojomomdservices.com to register
  8. TO JOIN MY 50 BOOKS READING CHALLENGE 2023 Mailing List register at https://www.niranojomomdservices.com
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  10. TO BE A GUEST ON OUR PODCAST please register your interest at www.niranojomomdservices.com (please indicate podcast!)
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Tags

Coaching, Communication, Connection, Intimacy, relationship, St.Valentine Day


About the Author

Niran (Larinde) Ojomo is a Trusted Advisor, COACH, Speaker and Trainer certified with the Maxwell Leadership Team. He is the founder of Forward-Thinking Generation Next, a forward-thinking organization that challenges individuals and organizations to re-invent themselves, anticipate and adapt to the future and be culturally relevant in an increasingly complex globalized world.

Niran Ojomo

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